Unwrap the romance-enhanced clichés, drown yourself in a pungent nose-stinging cologne and practice your sexy O faces in the mirror because it’s DATE NIGHT! Whether it’s a first date, last date, secret date, or a date where you are looking to get-it-onnnn, here are some suggestions for that perfect date spot no matter the situation.
The First Date
All you really need is one sip and you can instantly tell if someone sucks at life, so a real first date should really never include dinner. For those who want to put themselves through the agony of an awkward longwinded meal, you are very brave. First dinner dates in Buenos Aires should be held at a bar or fun restaurant, with hefty quantities of alcoholic-enhanced concoctions close on hand. Nothing too romantic since you don’t want to look like you are trying too hard, but nothing too casual since eating at the pancho stand isn’t quite the right place to make all your sexy-time moves. Modern, casual yet upscale pizza joints could be a good place to start. Siamo nel forno, La Mas Querida and Filo, all have proved to be solid options. Il Ballo Mattone makes for a fun, lively resto while bar/restaurants like 878, Florería Atlántico, and Gran Bar Danzon are for more serious first daters that want to get their quality drinking on. A good go-to jam with both great food and mixologist-mastered tragos? Dadá is your answer.
Another important note: Most girls probably won’t eat on the first date so it’s ideal to choose a restaurant where sharing is encouraged and salads are not available. Girl, if you are an eater, don’t order a salad on a first date – false advertisement. Boy, if you are an eater, a girl who orders a salad or doesn’t eat on the first dinner date probably isn’t the one for you.
The I’m-Gunna-Get-You-Drunk Date
Some people live to eat, some eat to live, and others live to get shit-faced. If you are the latter, looking to drown your dating nervousness and insecurities in some sweet drunk-filled nectar, check out these finds that are known more for their alcoholic wonders than food. The new and improved Boteco do Brasil is a good choice if you can snag a table outside, order a few plates to share and down lots of maracuyá caipirinhas. Other places worth visiting are the sexy once secret bars that are no longer a secret: 878, Puerta Uno, and Pony Line where the lighting is low, drinks are strong, the ideal recipe for PDA induced suckface-a-thon. New-ish sexytime bars: cozy up on a couchlike chair at Rey de Copas or sip on masterfully prepared cocktails at Verne Club while phallically deep throating their famous gourmet hot dogs. And remember there ain’t no shame in a day drinking date.
The Food Obsessor Date
Serious eaters who are just as into the food as the company, you need to pick a place where utterly awesome food comes first. Embark on a culinary journey to Paraje Arevalo, a 6 or 8 course extraordinary meal, all in a nice atmosphere with impeccable service. The dinner will last a few hours, so make sure you have enough content to talk about. Las Pizarras in Palermo Soho – get one appetizer and two mains to share, because sharing food is sexy. Closed door dining searchers celebrating a special occasion I Latina for Caribbean and Colombian flavas should be your answer. Or if you are going out with a total wine and cheese snob Bar du Marché should be your jam. Authentic Japanese Yuki in Belgrano has all the elements for a perfect date with great fresh sushi and same side seating booths (eye roll to “you people” who do that), wonderful for slurping up fresh sashimi and sucking up face, simultaneously if you’re into that kinda thing. Bowchickawowow.
The Secret Date
Looking for a more discreet dining experience? Let’s call ‘intimacy’ for what it is, either you are shallow and your date has a serious case of the uglies or you are trying to keep a low profile (you cheating asshole). Whatever your reasons may be, just stay off the Palermo-San Telmo track. Venture off to Parque Chacabuco to off the grid Bar Urondo where you probablyhopefullymostlikely won’t run into anyone you know. Damblee not only serves great seafood and oysters, but it’s on Rivadavia and rarely frequented by those Palermo types. Adventurous eating secret daters can migrate to Barrio Coreano and check out restaurants like Una Canción Coreana, just make sure you know what’s up when it comes to grilling Korean food so you look like a hot shot. Do you live in Capital Federal? Then go to Alo’s in San Isidro.
The Romantic Date
If you are a more traditionalist when it comes to hitting up the dating scene, looking to wine and dine with some good food in one of those romantic settings, put on your sexy pants and head to Crizia for oysters, because you know what oysters are?! Eheheh?Jejeje? Am I right? Maybe not.
The Cheap Date
Dating on a shoestring in Buenos Aires can be quite the challenge, with restaurant prices soaring making even the shitty parrillas an expensive splurge. Luckily there are still some bargains in the city, where atmosphere and food quality isn’t compromised by lack of pesos. Some of us are good examples of a cheap date: appear with a platter of meats and cheese, with some wine and/or beer, and watch the clothes come off. El Nono Amigo, a favorite neighborhood joint has great promos under 120 pesos. A good go-to date selection, grab drinks and some plates to picar from La Esperanza de los Ascurra, a bohemianster (bohemian + hipster, or hipstemian?) Villa Crespo vermouth bar that has prices reminiscent of Buenos Aires circa 2009. For a taste of Venezuela, Arepera should be your go-to Vene-arepería (and only since there is only like two Venezuelan restaurants in the city). For the Peruvian persuasion, Chan Chan can get loud, lighting is oddly bright and the tables are close together, making it essential for close-talking, and ceviche breath sniffing. Or take a romantic stroll by the Costanera or park and hit up some of the best choripan stands in the city.
The I’m-Looking-To-Impress-You-Hard Date
Serious daters who are really looking to impress (or flaunt your fatty wallet), take that special someone (or flavor of the week) on a luxuriously baller eating experience. One of the only restaurants in Buenos Aires to dabble in molecular gastronomical-esque avante cooking, Aramburu will wow anyone into your sheets after the super creatively presented multi course feast. Tegui is another tasting menu fan favorite, big money wom/men can drop mad New York City prices easily. For wine lovers, Casa Coupage is a good bet, but make sure to bring a cheat sheet of conversation topics because the meal is lengthy. Other suggestions for treatsy dinners on that oh-so special night would be Chila, Sipan, I Latina, and Elena.
The Healthy Granola Eating Tree Hugging Date
Looking to pretend that you are into the health craze? Put on your yoga pants and hit up Artemisia for a (mostly) vegetarian menu filled with lovely organic wines. For super health freaks, ignore the slightly earthy tastes and head to Buenos Aires Verde to get your raw food eating on. Hierba Buena in San Telmo gives that health-inspired kick, while also appealing to the manliest of juice drinkers. For experienced daters, head out to Casa Felix and get your puerta cerrada pescetarian action on.
The He/She’s Just Not That Into You Date
It’s happened to the best of us, sometimes you get stuck on a date with one of those people who just shouldn’t be no dinner thang. If this happens to you, and you are the type to accept an invitation even if you’d rather be stuck on the Linea D subte at rush hour with your nose inside a hairy armpit, make the message clear by choosing an awful restaurant. AcaBar is a prime PH mecca, always packed, with terribly unfun games that are missing pieces, and horribly tasting food that are missing deliciousness. Nothing screams I totally-don’t-like-your-face like a dinner date at a dirty vegetarian tenedor libre like Los Sabios (just bring a flask, they don’t serve alcohol). Or dirty shitty parrilla like Parrilla 22.
The Food Keeper Test Date
Sometimes the best food spots come in the most surprising packages. If you want to put your date to the test if this prospective mate is DA SHIT, or just a really shitty person, take them to a banging secret food haven to make sure they can get down with the good stuff. What about a big plate of MSG-packed Chinese food, dumps, brotes, and handmade noodles in a dingy neighborhood chino joint? Shan Dong serves quality and cheap Chinese in an incredibly unromantic setting. Gran Dabbang might not scream IMGUNNAGETYOUINTOBED after this meal, but it’s a solid litmus test for someone who likes to eat well. And of course you can’t even consider to get with this other half if he/she can’t appreciate gems La Cresta and old school wonders like El Obrero.
The Next Morning Date
Hurrah! Triumph! You made it to the next morning, congratulations! Still like the person enough to keep the date going? Eat some sandwiches at or grab some of their treats para llevar, head out to the Bosques de Palermo, find a grassy knoll that doesn’t have tranny condoms in the near radius, and picnic-it up. If you really like the person, bring them into the secret La Crespo circle, I guarantee your partner will sexually worship you after one bite of the pastrami. To replenish your carb and caffeine intake after a long night, In Bocca al Lupo’s breakfast specials are hard to beat. To embark on a lunch equally as food porny pleasurable as the night before, a cheeseburger from Burger Joint will give you that special downstairs tingle. And of course it’s always great to start a relationship pretending to be someone you are not, so how about heading out to the Ecological Reserve, dress in “active” gear, and then hang a left to stuff face with choripanbondiolavacionpan.
A comer y coger!
(Otra version *no tan buena* en español acá en el blog de Guia Oleo: La cita perfecta)