This Is Why You’re Fat: September Edition

Another month has passed, the weather got nice, titties came out, then it got cold again, titties went back inside sweaters, and everyone complained. Just like every month, September was filled with good food, bad food and my-diet-starts-tomorrow promises. Here’s the monthly rundown of exactly why you’re still fat.

After much anticipation, I finally experienced my first FUUDIS food tour. 25 food lovers invaded San Telmo, on quite the wine-fueled food crawl, hopping around to three great Buenos Aires restaurants: Aldo’s (appetizers), El Baqueano (main course), and El Historico (dessert). Aldo’s won the gold for their salmon paté and provoleta entradas. 

In a city filled with Italian restaurants, very few truly impress. Luckily L’Adesso is the real deal – it’s just like stepping into little Italy, and not the Argie version. I still have dreams of this al dente giant fusilloni in a peperoni sauce.

Buenos Aires brunch lovers, this one’s for you: the Colombian wonderboys over at I Latina have delivered another hit – a multi-course Caribbean influenced brunch. Patacón with avocado salad, cheesy arepa with Cuban ropa vieja –> Happy Birthday to me.

The Argentina Independent organized the 2nd annual Underground Market, held 3 stories above the ground in an Almagro/Caballito factory. I went too late and wish I popped a paxil, but there was still a great, mildly sweaty, turn out with some awesome, yet slightly expensive, food fest goodies. El Tejano made like 10,000 kilos of brisket, and it was really lick-the-bbq-sauce-off-yo-dirty-fingers gooood. 

This chick named Nola made a massive batch of Bloody Marys with okra. KelinCake debuted a moist nutty-apple muff.

And Kelly Poindexter banged out her dangerously delicious pecan pie.

Speaking of pies and cakes – Baraka makes quite the flourless chocolate version topped with a sea of bountiful berries. But would you pay 42 pesos for a piece of cake? 

I got some shawarma eating / hummus and beef grease dribble down the chin action at the ever famous Friday & Saturday Medio Oriente mecca.

Oh, but who do we have here? A new contender for the best of BA shawarma… Maybe so. But I’m still not ready to fully give this place up.

On a related note, I’ve rekindled my love for Mercado Belgrano. El Rosarino carnicería, Granja Sergio, cheese shops galore, Jewish home food comfort – and found some great grocery gems.Like insanely expensive turkey breast.

 

And these insanely delicious sausages. Look at that happy dancing hello-waving oinker!

And in other news… Wilbur ain’t so happy.

I’ve reaffirmed my dislike for The Food Factory, especially with this browned, unfresh 55 peso salad.

Hatas gonna hate, but Benihana has one of the best happy hour deals in the city. Why might you ask? Because it’s happy drink AND happy FOOD hour. Jalapeño poppers, sushi rolls, Benihana martinis, wine and beer – ideal Yanquilandia outdoor spot snuggled right next to TGI Fridays, Starbucks and McDonalds… with KFC close on his way.

USA! USA! Moving along in the happy food hour category, Kansas is another prime HH spot. All you anti-K naysayers can suck it. There’s nothing quite like a little Amurrrica on a warm-ish sunny afternoon. Chicken tenders + honey mustard + loaded cheese bacon potato skins + watered down Bloody Marys + Coronas + Kansas terrace = A Bomb Buenos Aires Happy Hour.

Got my Americanized Chinese food kick at Da Dong Fan Dian with this rendition of sweet and sour pork.

Sudestada still has a winning lunch special.

On the topic of lunch specials, I’m coming up with a list of the best in the city. Both Contigo Perú and La Primavera Trujillana offer banging Peruvian style lunches.

Ají de gallina + drink + postre = 35 pesos from Contigo Peru.

Guiso de quinoa with goat cheese from La Primavera Trujillana + drink = 30 pesos.

María Felix in Palermo has quite the incredible restaurant space – the warm months are ideal for rooftop tanning, corn tortilla chip eating and sugary Tequila-debauchery Margarita drinking. Just smuggle in your own hot sauce if you like it picante.

The cheeseburger from Pani isn’t the best. Another one bites the dry meat and fake cheddar – stick with the pulled pork or lamb burger.

My notoriously bad ordering skills shined brightly when I decided to order a 44 peso tuna sandwich from Pani. The saving grace? Those papas are crazy delicious.

It’s not a real bagel, but Le Ble Palermo sells their bread with holes for 6 pesos each. BLT con huevo frito on a bagel became the cheap homemade breakfast of choice. Looks are deceiving, it didn’t taste that great.

I am really into making shakashuka. And really into saying that word.

Get ready for some stanky pee, because it’s asparagus season! I got this pack for just 5 pesos at my new favorite verdulería.

And made this poached egg with asparagus.

A friend smuggled me treats from France and Germany. Stinky cheese, chocolate, baguettes, croissants and pickles. It was glorious.

And finally, if I didn’t need another way to waste my life away on social media / internet / Hulu / Netflix / game boy, this month I also got waaaay into Instagram. Especially taking photos of fruits and vegetables. A good colorful produce display just looks so damn handsome.

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