Dear Shitty Napkins in Argentina,
I need to get something off my chest and be truly honest with you for a hot minute…. YOU TOTALLY SUCK.
You’ve pissed me off since the moment I first felt your terrible rough yet slippery, nonabsorbent texture. Your feeble wax-like paper material doesn’t remedy messes nor does it cure a disastrous food-on-face debacle, making you virtually incapable of wiping or cleaning.
Seriously, what’s your point anyway? Why don’t you do something with your life? You contribute nothing to society. You’re just taking up space, piling up in gross crinkled wads on tables, and fooling hard-working eaters, in a moment of weakness, in dire need of a hand wipe or face blot.
All you do is move the grease and food particles around the face, inconveniently distributing it to various garment and bodily extremities, exacerbating potential embarrassing food-on-face conditions and ultimately worsening soiled facial circumstances.
Were you created as a joke? Did you lose a bet? Were you the product of an abysmal napkin company revenge plot? Or perhaps you were the result of a discontinued dryer sheet that failed to sell at the Dollar Store?
You’re pointless and I hate you.
Yours Truly,
PS: I know you’re gonna say “Ohhh! But these napkins aren’t made to wipe your face, it’s to hold the pizza and absorb the grease. Fine! Well if that’s the case, then also please provide me with a real napkin. Okurr? Thanks and good day sir.
Messy napkin photo by Jocelyn Mandryk
Messy napkin model: Madi Lang
Robyn says
LOL! I like to compare them to a toilet seat liner (which I have yet to see one here).
laura says
Totally agree! Everytime we go for Argie ice cream (I am from Italy and there the ice cream is more “solid”) and it melts like crazy in 2 nanoseconds, you need to use at least 10 shitty napkins to clean up the mess on 2 young daughters! Totally useless, I started to bring wet wipes in my bag to solve the issue!
bergereinrock says
Hahahaha this is SO TRUE!
martin says
That is because they are not meant to be napkins, they are meant to be used to hold pizza slices without getting grease on your hands. Some restaurants misuse them, they are the ones to hate…
Karina says
I’m from Argentina, and I fully agree with this article!
A Wal says
argentinians are very neat eaters, and we use utensils the European way…seems to me you lack table manners like most American…said by someone who has lived in US for 30 years…learn table etiquette Missy then you’ll be in position to criticize and name-call people who are far more sophisticated than you are and that you will ever be!!!!!!!!!! Your use of faul language speaks by itself about you!!!!!!!!
Hector says
Back home in Mississippi, in dah YOU-nited States… we use a woman’s breast for a napkin. It is considered, among my highly esteemed compatriots, to be of the highest and most refined manners to use a gentle lady’s god-given endowments as a means to wipe upon and remove the excesses of your victuals. Of course, the excesses of the meal will be enjoyed again as part of the excesses of the flesh later in the evening.
Have you indeed, good suh, actually resided in the United States for the length of time of which you claim, you would no doubt have become accustomed to the manners of such a noble and dignified nation. Only a craven and suspect third-world nation would have the temerity to suggest scraps of wax paper could be used as a viable alternative to a fair woman’s bosom.
You and your beastial mannarisms disgust me.
I shall relate a tale of having dined at La Perla, in the vicinity of Once, at the intersection of Rivadavia and Jujuy. Upon such a time, a person of the Argentine persuasion entered the establishment whilst I dined on an acceptable slice of pizza, and began haranguing the other patrons most violently. This Argentine person took the fork and knife off the table of a young mademoiselle who had just finished dining in order so that he could consume his own meal, which he had bought on the street and brought with him. He occupied a table, employed the use of these purloined utensils, and shoveled this food into his mouth as though it were a steam-powered shovel, spilling crumbs and grains of rice throughout the vicinity upon which he sat. While this demonstration of Argentine table manners were not deplorable enough, he had neither the elegance of using the young mademoiselle’s breasts nor a shitty wax paper scrap to wipe his mouth; this Argentine person used his sleeve to remove the filth from around his mouth, and left without nary a tip nor a wave to the employees of the establishment for having to endure his barbaric mannerisms.
Never have I, in my 40 years as a citizen of that proud nation, the YOU-nited States of America, ever witnessed such a despicable and deplorable act of ungentlemanly behavior. Your shitty wax paper napkins do your nation of bestial diners a grave discredit, since not even the most base and disgusting diner would deign use garbage in lieu of his own sleeve.
Good day, sir.
I say again, Good Day!
ralsina says
Probably a frenchman visiting our silvery homeland.
Once, when having a brioche at a Champs Elysees establishment, I noticed there was an employee whose only duty was to shoo the interlopers who took advantage of the seating without purchasing food in it, sitting down with sand-witches (as they say) from that strange scottish foodchain the McDonald, or trying to buy cheaper take away and then sit down anyway pretending to be honest restaurant-goers.
So, yes, an uncouth frog-eating, snail-slurping gaulois in my opinion.
Ricardo Schillaci says
Thanks A Wal, you saved me some time to answer to that nasty and unpolite post. I´m unsubscribing from the blog.
Kacy says
It’s the same in Brazil. I’ve surmised that it’s because they eat everything with a utensil (or maybe it’s why they eat everything with a utensil), which I just can’t always do as somewhat backwards American. I will pick my sandwiches up and eat them, and I will not use toothpicks to shovel fries into my face unless I’m in mixed company and feeling pressured. And thus my face and hands are constantly filthy. Going to be in Argentina for the first time next month and I thank you that I’ll at least be mentally prepared.
Lis says
Demandenos entonces! Por algo tan perjudicual para sus vidas minimas!
Gustavo Tonelli says
So spot on!! I can understand the cheapness (it’s the same thing with paper towel on the restrooms – that is, when you’re lucky enough to find something to dry your hands that is not your own pants) – even ‘though I’m not sure how the business math works out, because however cheaper it may be, you’re forced to use 10 times as many sheets. But I digress. What is mind boggling to me is the wax-coating, that works to prevent absorption, which is PRECISELY the ONE THING the darn napkin is supposed to be good for…
Hector says
I’m late to this, but my theory is that, well… Argentinos can sometimes be cheap bastards who steal anything that isn’t nailed down. Even when it is nailed down, they sometimes manage to steal it anyways. So, I believe when faced with the likely prospect that diners will stuff their pockets, handbags and backpacks with free quality napkins, restauranteurs will instead leave out shitty, cheap scraps of wax paper and call those things napkins. I find a lot of places will give you one quality napkin with your cutlery when you sit down, but the self-serve box of shit scraps stays on the table.
I’m used to free access to ketchup and mustard packets at fast food joints in the U.S. Here though, you need to ask at the counter for the precise number you would like. Same reason, I believe. I guess putting nails through ketchup packets wouldn’t work too well.
melinakolyvakis says
That was great, it is what basically everyone here in Argentina thinks and complains about when faced with them but somehow they just keep existing. I do not know why owners or managers keep buying them.
David says
If they’re anything like the ones in Brazil, then I think the idea is that you pick up your chicken wings or burger with them, rather than wipe sauce off your mush. I still agree with you that I don’t see a problem with your standard issue absorbent face-mop, but maybe that’s just what we’re used to.
Michael Brichford says
Visit Italy and you will know exactly where the Argentines got their napkins. Same terrible napkin.
Betooo says
When your economy reaches shit bottom like Argentina’s has, let’s see how much better you can make the napkins.
Lina says
i always carry good napkins in my bag and a bottle of salsa and cracked red pepper seed.
Kayra says
Bravo! my sentiments exactly. i thought i was the only one that felt this way about them :)
baco says
Porque no se quedan en sus aburridos países gringos del orto que mierda vienen a hacer aca? No los necesitamos para nada soretes no son mejor que nadie
kayra says
Clasico especimen de pais 3r mundista, por gente Como vos el pais no progresa, solo hablabamos De las servilletas truchas que usan. Agarra un ARCO y flecha y anda a recuperar las Malvina’s hace algo productivo por tu tierra en lugar De buscar pleito en donde no te llaman.
Me Parece que esta malhumorado , que paso? Su negocio en LA zona Roja no le anda muy bien? hablas Como alguien con mucha hambre!? Como hago que te llegue un asado? Para calmar tu despecho!
Lis says
Kayra, sos muy boluda para responder. Viniste a aprender espanol, no? Porque en tu pais tenes que romperte el orto para especializarte, seguramente….en fin, hacen un quilombo por unas servilletas que si, coincidimos, son de mierda, pero tiene sentido poner tanto enfasis negativo? Son unas pequenas personas..bye!
Kayra says
Lis, la boluda sos vos! Tambian oviamente despechada! Que saves tu lo que vine hacer!? Mi primer lenguaje es el español. Me parece que con el poco ingles que te aprendiste haces Como el otro boludo, y te metes en lo que no te importas! Se saves leer poses ver que lo negative lo comoenzo el tal BECO. Tenes Un pequeño celebro, tarada! ….chauuuu!:)
astridlena says
Si ésa es la experiencia en la mesa, coincidirás conmigo que la situación en el baño de algunos lugares es aún peor… o no?
Beth Leonhardt says
No truer words have ever been written!
leandro says
some (25/30) years ago, there was a big crisis here, and cigarettes where expensive for teens, so we used to stole the whitest napkins to roll our owns …
Pablo says
They are crap, they’ll always be crap. Whoever the inventor of this stuff is/was, he should be forced to eat with them for the rest of his life: alternativelly, if he/she is dead, maybe we should be oppose their use on any place that serves “food”
Heck, I think most people here are so used for them to being crap that we simply do not use them.
Josh Johnson (@JJtravels) says
So true. Unfortunately they’re not limited to Argentina – I’ve found them all throughout Latin America.
H BA says
One only reason :http://practicopedia.lainformacion.com/files/rosa_servilletas_papel_0.jpg
Rosa Meltrozo says
It’s meant for human beings, not cunting hogs.
Mosa Reltrozo says
Whats a cunting hog?
Norm says
I tried to tell myself that I was just a spoiled American and I should get over it, but then I realized, NO, these napkins really do SUCK! Why would a country with excellent restaurants and good wine settle for one-ply, wax-coated postage stamps instead of actual napkins? There must be a better place to cut corners.
Allie says
Best explanation I’ve read so far. Thanks, Reddit.
“Yo tenía entendido que eran para agarrar la pizza. Es la famosa servilleta de pizzeria. Justamente como no absorben son perfectas para “sostener” una porción sin llenarte de aceite las manos. De la época en que vendían por porción y te sentabas en una banqueta que hacía ruido como la palanca de cambios de un 147 viejo.” – Nuclearrr
http://www.reddit.com/r/argentina/comments/2v2yd1/an_open_hate_letter_to_the_shitty_argentine_napkin/
Esteban says
God! we really do hate them. But in response to your “what’s your point anyway?” Well, it’s obviuosly not cleaning. But you can make a very simple very cute origami rose to give the person you’re sitting with when they ask that very same question :)
Nico says
We also hate them :)
Nico says
You’re using them wrong… the whole point is to wrap your hands and grab your finger food so that you don’t even get dirty in the first place.
Jenn says
This is brilliant! :) I was just pondering their purpose the other day! Although to jot a quick note or blot your sweaty forehead, they are wonderful. :P They are all over the country, not just BA. Truly my nemesis in messy food moments.
AMaglione says
Chip places=chip napkins. The problem are not de napkins, were the places you chose…sorry….And, Argentine is not only Buenos Aires…try to understand…
Franco says
I didnt get the point do they suck or they are nonabsorbent? make up your mind! Jokes apart they are useful as tracing paper.
@HarinaPana says
This is so fucking accurate.
Gordito says
I want to be your napkin
Anna says
Same story here in Peru. The napkins here are an unsuccessful crossbreed of toilet paper and baking sheet.
Adam Wiggins says
Dear thing-that-is-not-a-napkin, you’re only good to get grease off my forehead in the summer when Buenos Aires reaches the temperature of Mercury.
superfav says
You are right, they don’t fulfill their purpose. But it’s not an Argentine thing. You can find references in literature. For example, “Why I hate Saturn” http://www.amazon.com/dp/0930289722/ depicts napkins with similar characteristics.
octopussycat says
Scientists are baffled by these Argentine napkins, apparently they don’t get wet, you can’t melt them or set them on fire and if you eat one of them they come out of your other end all dry and unwrinkled.
n says
el truco es arrugarlas un poco antes de usarlas, ahi absorven algo
Matias says
I’m Argentinian and that’s true, in every restorant or “cantina” ,”pizzeria” has that tipe of napkins hah, They Suck!
Erinn says
Would you like a piece of flexible plastic to wipe that food all over your face?
Vincent says
A fun experiment at home for the family 1/ Pour a little bit of water over a table 2/ Drop several of those napkins over the water 3/ Leave for 5 seconds et voilà! The napkins are dry, ready to be useless again and the water spilling all over the place.
Kayla says
PREACH